Sasuke's Complete Guide for Idiots
by XoSannyoX
Summary: Sasuke creates a guide for all idiots. It will teach many important skills, like making a ramen cup, ordering a pizza and even making a baloney sandwich! Results may very, depending on the individual idiot, or Naruto.
1. Making a Ramen Cup

**Hi! It's Sanny. And I deleted my previous stories because I wanted a new fresh start! And 'cause the other stories sucked… **

**Anyways, this is a new story that I believe will have three parts unless someone gives me more ideas for this. So now, here's the story!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If I did, all hell would have broken loose.**

Hello, and welcome to _Sasuke's Complete Guide to Making a Ramen Cup for Idiots_. As you can tell, I am Sasuke. And the idiot I will be helping in the next few guides will be Naruto. Naruto, come out here!

"Hey, teme! What's with the microphone? I thought that you were the only one that was coming to help me make some ramen?"

I changed my mind. Now, are you hungry? Yes? Good! Let's start!

Today, we will be making Ichiraku's Instant Ramen. So to start, open up the drawers and take out the bowl.

"Uhhhh… It's not in here."

What do you mean it's not in there? It has to be! Keep looking!

It's got to be… oh wait. I'm sorry. Try looking in the cabinets. Do you see it? Good. Now take it to the counter.

No, put that back. Those are potato chips. Go get Ichiraku's Instant Ramen. It's probably going to be in a red bowl. Yes! That's it! Bring it to the counter. Very good.

Now, read the instructions.

"I already know to do that, teme!"

If you already knew, you wouldn't be needing my guide, now would you?

Now, open the package. Wait, let me be specific. See the tab on the top? No, wrong side. It's not on the bottom. Flip it over. Now look for the pull tab on the top. Keep looking, don't give up. Don't try to make your own! Dobe…

See it now? Pull it! Excellent! You're becoming a real pro at this. Now the next few steps will get complicated.

"Yeah, right! I can totally do this."

My ass…

"Shut up, teme!"

Yeah, yeah, yeah… Now go get some chopsticks. Chopsticks? The two sticks you use to eat with. Yeah, the things you use to start mini wars in restaurants. Now place them next to the bowl. OK good.

Walk over to the stove. The STOVE not the refrigerator! The white thing behind you! Now, turn on the fire. Oh, Kami help us. Turn the knob. Wow, I can't believe you actually did it… NO! KEEP YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM THE FIRE!

Now get a kettle.. A kettle? NO! NOT A BOWL! Damn, I need an aspirin. That's a cutting board. And it's wooden. Are you trying to kill us all?

Okay, fine. The "teapot." That's such a manly thing to call a kettle. Walk over to the sink and turn on the water. Ugh... Put the "teapot" under the running water first. No! Don't let it overflow! Turn off the water! Alright. Now place the kettle on the fire. Carefully! Don't slam it on the stove!

Now wait a few minutes for the water to boil. It should make a loud screeching noise.

_**SCREEEEEEEECCCCHHHHH!**_

Here that? The water is done boiling. It's not a bomb. Kami… Now walk back to the stove and turn the knob off. Good… Now take the kett- I mean "teapot."

Be careful! It's hot! Don't touch anything except the handle! Are you trying to burn yourself? Now pour the water into the bowl. Put your hand back! That water won't be refreshing on you. And don't make the bowl overflow! Especially with that hot water. Fill the bowl up to the line. Good. We are still alive.

Now, wait three minutes for the ramen to be cooked. Don't stick your finger in! You'll burn yourself!

Now use the chopsticks to mix up the noodles. Why? 'Cause I'm Sasuke and I told you to. Okay, good. Now you may eat. Wait! Blow on the noodles first! You'll burn your tongue. There, another satisfied customer. How's the ramen?

"They're…. GRRRRREEEAAAT!"

Crap. Now we are going to get sued by the Frosted Flakes people and Tony the Tiger.

**Yay! I'm done. Now, what did you guys think? Good, great, bad, terrible? Please review and tell me what you think! Thankies!**

**Sanny**


	2. Ordering a Pizza

**Hi! This is the second chapter for Sasuke's Complete Guide for Idiots! The next one will be the last chapter for the story. I need some more ideas so if you have any, feel free to leave the idea in a review of message me. Anyways, on with the story! Oh... And to prevent confusion, Naruto's dialogue is in the quotation marks. Same for the other chapter. I apologize if anyone got confused!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto…**

Hello, again. This is Sasuke and this is _Sasuke's Complete Guide for Idiots_. Today's guide will be… _How to Order Pizza__._ Naruto will be helping today, again. So… Who's hungry for some pizza?

"Meeeeee!"

Alright. Let's start.

The first thing you need to do is to pick a pizza place. I'm sure you have a bunch of fliers sitting in your junk drawer in the kitchen so we'll…

"Umm… Sasuke?"

What? You don't have any fliers?

"No…"

Oh. That's fine. We can just…

"Sasuke?"

What? No junk drawer?

"No…"

Okay. Fine. How about the kitchen?

"Umm…"

What? You don't have a kitchen? Where are you standing right now?

"A room."

That's very helpful, let's try to narrow it down. Are you in your house? Good. Are you in the kitchen? Kitchen? The food room. Yes, counters, sink… that sounds like… Toilet? No, that's wrong. That's your bathroom. Why the hell do you think that's a food room?

"Well…"

No. Don't answer. Just leave that room alone. You have to find your kitchen. There will be stuff in it like the things in your bathroom, but no toilet. There will be stuff like the refrigerator, oven, dishwater, blender, stove…

"…"

What's with the look? That's a lost look isn't it? You're lost. Aren't you? You got lost. In your house. It's okay, don't cry. We can find the kitchen. Remember that room you were in when you made your ramen noodles last time? No? Okay, fine.

I'll just ask you this question. Where do you go when you're hungry? The bathroom? You're scaring me.

You know what, forget it! The entire point of you finding the kitchen is so we can find the junk drawer and find fliers so we can call the damn pizza place! And Kami knows how long that's going to take! Let's just move on.

"Gosh… No need to be an ass about it."

Shut up. Now what we need is a phone book. No, not a book that looks like a phone. A big, usually yellow, book that has lots and lots of numbers in it. There's a very good chance of it being near your phone. So let's try that.

Your phone. You make phone calls on it. Knowing you, it's probably shaped like Mickey Mouse or a kunai knife.

Or a turkey leg. Of course. I should have known.

I'm glad you found your phone, we're going to need that, so hold on to it. Now what about the phone book?

"This thing?"

No… That's a dictionary. Yes, it's a big book but it doesn't have numbers, does it? Numbers. We are looking for numbers.

No, that's a book on quantum physics. What the hell are _you _doing with _that_?

"It's Shikamaru's book."

That's understandable… Why are you carrying around the chicken leg?

"You told me to hold onto it."

Well, yeah. But it was a figure of speech. What I meant was to put it down but remember where you put it.

I don't know, mark it with something.

Anyway, back to the hunt for the phone book.

You know, I'm going to take a wild guess. Open your front door. Front door. The door in the front. It leads to the outside. There you do. Look down. See that big yellow book in the porch? That's the phone book. Pick it up and take it inside.

Now turn around and ope- Why is the front door open? Do you want to get robbed? Go back inside and close the door! Now find a good pizza place in the book.

You have that lost look again.

Ugh… Open the book and flip to the P's. Why are you giggling? Open the book. Go on. Find the P's. Stop giggling. No. Those are the M's. You're close, but wrong. Keep going. N… O… P… Stop! Right there!

Okay, now find pizza. A listing, not an actual pizza. You're not going to find a real pizza stuffed between the pages of the phone book! Stop right there! You found it! Pizza! What's the phone number? Don't lose it! Find the phone! Find the phone!

"Why are you so excited about this!"

'Cause it took so long just to get this far!"

Now get the phone! Where'd you leave it? Didn't you mark the spot? I told you to mark the spot. What did you mark the spot with?

You marked the spot with your phone. Of course you did.

Look around, do you see it anywhere? You do? Great! Now… _Get the damn phone!_

Okay, now you have the phone and the phone number. We are so close, I can almost taste it. Now dial the number in the phone.

"Where?"

I don't know, maybe it's organized in a square-ish shape. I mean who has a phone shaped like a chicken leg? Besides you, I mean.

Okay, don't panic. It's a phone, there has to be a way to dial. Look all over the leg. Look for numbers. Right there! Those are numbers! Dial the numbers you got from the phone book. Dial them now!

What are you doing? You have to dial them in a certain order! Don't just pound them in! And stop crying!

"Shut up! *sniffle* I was just doing what you told me too!"

Fine you're right. You were doing what I just said. My fault. I'll try to be more specific.

"And understanding?"

Yes, and understanding.

"And nicer?"

Don't push your luck.

Anyways, is the phone ringing?

"Yes."

Good job!

Okay, when they answer, they're going to… What? Yeah, they can put you on hold. Now when they get back to you, they are going to ask you what you want. You can get so much on a pizza: pepperoni, sausage, bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, garlic, anchovies and you have no idea what I'm talking about do you? Tell you what, when they ask you what you want, order cheese.

Yes, one cheese pizza. Size? Medium. That's it. Nothing else. Kami forbid this conversation to continue any longer than necessary. Give them your address. Please tell me you know your address.

"I know. Don't worry."

Really? That's weird. Okay. Hang up. Hang up now!

Congratulations! You did it! Dumbass…

**The second chapter is done! Finally! And I tried to make it a bit longer than the first one. So what do you guys think? Please, please, please review! Thankies!**

**~Sanny**


	3. Making a Baloney Sandwich

**Hi! This is the last chapter for this story! And my first completed story! I'm so excited! Yay! If people are wondering why I got this updated so quick, it's 'cause I'm already out of school and I have no social life, so I spend my time on the computer most of the day… Anyways, time for the story! And remember, Naruto will be talking in the quotations!**

**Disclaimer: I, unfortunately, do not own Naruto… *sad sigh***

Hello. This is Sasuke, once again. And welcome to _Sasuke's Complete Guide for Idiots_. Today, I will be teaching Naruto how to make a baloney sandwich. Hopefully, it will be easier to teach him how to make a sandwich than ordering pizza…

"Shut up, teme! Stop picking on me!"

There is a very good reason on why I always pick on you.

"And that is?"

It's funny.

"That's not a good reason!"

Yes it is. Now first step to making a baloney sandwich, are you hungry?

"Well, yeah…"

Okay good. We can start making one and won't have our lesson go to waste.

First, I am going to assume that you possess every individual item you require to start your journey in making a sandwich. 'Cause if you don't, I am afraid of going shopping with you.

"Don't worry, I'm sure I have all the stuff I need."

Good, and thanks for dumbing down my first sentence. Now we need something to put the sandwich in. I say to use a plate. Reach into the cupboard and take out a plate.

"This?"

No, that's a bowl. A _plate_. Plates are flat.

"This thing, right?"

No, that's a cutting board.

"But it's flat…"

Well, it _is_ flat but plates are _round_.

"Then what about the bowl?"

Bowls are round but they aren't flat, are they? Just… Kami, forget it. Grab that cutting board you had in your hand. Perfect. Put it down.

On the counter, not on the floor.

"Sorry…"

Much better… Alright, we are ready to continue. Now, you need bread. I honestly prefer wheat of white, but you might prefer sourdough, rye, pumpernickel, maybe even a French roll.

"…"

And now you are just staring at me.

"I don't have that kind of bread."

What do you mean you don't have that kind of bread? What kind do you have?

"Wonder bread."

Wonder bread? Good, at least it's pre-sliced. Now take out two pieces of Wonder bread. More than one, less than three. You took out three. Put one slice back. Perfect. Place the two slices on the cutting board.

"Hey, this is pretty easy."

If it's so easy, you wouldn't need my guide.

"Shu-…"

Shush! Don't interrupt my genius. Now you need some ingredients, open the refrigerator.

Your refrigerator. The big tall thing in the kitchen. It stores food.

"And sake!"

Yes, and sake, too. Yep, that's the one.

Now take out the baloney, mayo…

"…"

You're giving me that look again. Let's stop here. Get cheese, baloney, and mayo.

"What's mayo?"

Mayonnaise. It's a sandwich spread. It's white. No, put that back. That's Miracle Whip. Yeah, it's a white sandwich spread but…

"But, what?"

Fine. Whatever. Take the Miracle Whip and put it on the counter next to the cutting board.

Alright, now we… Wait, where's the cheese and baloney? Didn't I say… Ugh! Go back to the refrigerator and… No, leave the Miracle Whip where it is. Just go back to the fridge and open it. Grab the cheese. Anything will do.

"Hmm…"

Just pick one! That's blue cheese. I don't think you would like that.

"Why?"

'Cause it's pretty much just fungus! What the hell are you doing with the blue cheese?

How about cheddar, do you have cheddar? It's probably orange.

"This?"

Yes! That's cheddar! Bring it to the counter next to the cutting board. Now go back to the fridge, again.

"Ughh…"

What? Getting dizzy?

"Yeah…"

I'm sorry. That may happen, get used to it. Just open the fridge again.

"Meanie…"

Shut up. Now, you are looking for baloney. Kami willing, it'll be pre-sliced. Baloney. It's meat. You're looking for a package with slices of meat.

"This?"

No, that's bacon.

Yes! That's the baloney! Very good! Now bring that over to the rest of the stuff. No, don't worry. We are done with the fridge. I can't bear to go through the fridge crap again.

Now we can start making the baloney sandwich. Open the Miracle Whip. Open it. Twist the lid off the jar.

"It won't come off!"

What do you mean it won't come off? Try twisting it in the other direction. There you go. Now we need a knife.

Oh Kami…

"Knife?"

You don't need a sharp knife, just a spreading knife. Dull. Very dull. The duller, the better.

No! Not _that_! Put that down before you kill someone! Try to find a knife that doesn't have a handle. No, that has a handle, doesn't it? That means it's sharp. Don't you dare try to test it! Put it down! Find a dull, boring, plastic knife!

Ok. Perfect. That's a simple plastic spreading knife. Dip it into the Miracle Whip. Now life it out of the Miracle Whip and spread it onto the bread. Not too hard, or else you'll tear the bread.

Harder than that. The knife has to at least touch the bread to leave the spread.

There you go. Now do the same to the other side. Perfect! You're just like Rachael Ray!

"Rachael Ray?"

She's a famous cook… Never mind.

Now your bread is spread. Quit giggling. You are going to place a slice of baloney on the bread. Open the package. No, the package doesn't twist open. Just pull the tab just like you did back then with the ramen noodles. See how it's opening? Excellent. Take out a slice of baloney. Place it on one of the slices of bread. no, you don't need a knife for this.

Good! We are almost done! Now, it's almost time to cut the cheese.

"Hehe…"

I said to quit giggling.

Is the cheese unopened? Ok, don't panic. Take the knife… the other end of the knife! Grab the other end! Slice the package open. Just jam it in there!

"Hehehehe…"

Don't giggle! Just open the damn thing!

"But…"

Don't worry about hurting the cheese! Just slice the damn thing open!

Very good, you're getting pretty good with the knife. Kami help us all.

Take the block of cheese and lay it on the counter.

"But…"

Just lay it on the counter! Who cares if it's dirty? You probably won't be living very long at this rate, anyways! Ok, with the knife, cut yourself a few slices of cheese. Thinner than that! You don't want too much cheese! Thinner. Thinner… THINNER! Just… measure with your pinky. Your pinky should be enough. What are you… DON'T SLICE WITH YOUR PINKY! Kami!

You know what? Forget it! Throw the cheese away! Throw it away! You will only be having a baloney sandwich with _no cheese_!

Now pick up one slice of bread and put it on the other! Miracle Whip side down. Turn it over, you can't eat the sandwich like that!

"Why?"

Because I said so.

"Wait, now do I…"

Forget it! I can't deal with this anymore. Tell the people who paid me to start this guide that I quit! I quit! I'll send them their stupid money back! I don't need it! I'm an _Uchiha_! And I can't handle this anymore! GOOD BYE!

"Sasuke! Waaiiiit!"

Leave me alone!

** The story is finished! Yay! Please review and tell me how you liked the story! Thankies! Bye!**

**~Sanny**


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